Thursday, October 23, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Three stories! I shit you not! (ho ho ho)
Story one:
When I were but a lad doing gcse's, someone took such an offence to the school gypo's Hi-Tech Silver shaddows that they layed a perfectly curled cable in each one. The Headteacher's response? 'We will get to the bottom of this'...
Story two:
While my friends were playing a gig at a club in Aberdeen, they discovered a pair of disguarded grundies in the bogs. Thinking it would be funny, one of them hooked them up with his foot, and flicked them at the guitarist, not knowing that they were 'fully loaded'. They hit his leg with a wet slap, wraped themselves round his jeans, and drained their contents all over his new shoes, making him vomit and everyone else in the gents crease up with laughter.
Story Three:
When my dad was sick with the flu, he accidentally shat the bed. Thinking with the delirium you have when you're ill, he decided not to change the sheets. He simply swapped them round, and tried to blame my mum cause it was on her side of the bed.
When I were but a lad doing gcse's, someone took such an offence to the school gypo's Hi-Tech Silver shaddows that they layed a perfectly curled cable in each one. The Headteacher's response? 'We will get to the bottom of this'...
Story two:
While my friends were playing a gig at a club in Aberdeen, they discovered a pair of disguarded grundies in the bogs. Thinking it would be funny, one of them hooked them up with his foot, and flicked them at the guitarist, not knowing that they were 'fully loaded'. They hit his leg with a wet slap, wraped themselves round his jeans, and drained their contents all over his new shoes, making him vomit and everyone else in the gents crease up with laughter.
Story Three:
When my dad was sick with the flu, he accidentally shat the bed. Thinking with the delirium you have when you're ill, he decided not to change the sheets. He simply swapped them round, and tried to blame my mum cause it was on her side of the bed.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Another long one sorry...
My Gran (godresthersoul) used to visit us every Christmas - an event that gained an air of comedy once she had developed a knack of farting at the dinner table. Me and my Brother not only had to pretend we hadn't heard anything, but had to not make each other laugh - truly an impossibly feat.
At one of the last Christmas's we saw her, we sat down to eat and before the food was even at the table my Brother and I were grinning like idiots, waiting for the 'pfffft'. Somehow we went the whole meal and not a peep was heard from us or her buttocks. As we were clearing the dishes my Dad loudly belched to our laughter and my Grans disgust. She quickly tutted and said "well I never", before thunderously soiling herself right there and then.
I don't care what the Doctors say, I know it was embarrassment that killed her.
At one of the last Christmas's we saw her, we sat down to eat and before the food was even at the table my Brother and I were grinning like idiots, waiting for the 'pfffft'. Somehow we went the whole meal and not a peep was heard from us or her buttocks. As we were clearing the dishes my Dad loudly belched to our laughter and my Grans disgust. She quickly tutted and said "well I never", before thunderously soiling herself right there and then.
I don't care what the Doctors say, I know it was embarrassment that killed her.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
When i was a baby, inexplicably
My parents decided to take me in a hot tub.
one with the swirly water. round and round.
and it was communal at the hotel they were at.
the other inexplicable part, is that me and my nappy were parted.
i shat.
it went round and round.
everybody out.
i dont remember this as i was a baby, but it is brought up at every available family occaision. i'm almost proud.
one with the swirly water. round and round.
and it was communal at the hotel they were at.
the other inexplicable part, is that me and my nappy were parted.
i shat.
it went round and round.
everybody out.
i dont remember this as i was a baby, but it is brought up at every available family occaision. i'm almost proud.
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